Umm, well, that sucked

So, I’ve just trudged my way through the worst three days of my entire life — I took the California Bar Exam on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

It was the hardest, most stressful, most insufferable thing I’ve ever had to do, and, as much as I hate to say it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion I’m going to have to do it all over again.

Unfortunately, I have to hold my breath for four months, which means I get to spend four months dreading sleep for fear of having to worry about the future as I lay there. It’s not entirely uncommon for people to have to take this exam 4-5 times. I can’t imagine. I think I’d rather die. I’ve always had rather serious physical manifestations of stress and this exhausting, three-day marathon of self-doubt and worry really took its toll. I’m beat.

If you haven’t gone through this rite of passage, you have absolutely no idea how difficult it really is. You just can’t know. It’s no secret that the exam is the toughest in the country, and, well, by the end of the second day I was convinced of that; I was a complete zombie, hadn’t really slept or ate for a few days, and my brain was mush.

One simple fact remains and I have to keep repeating it to myself again and again: I could not have studied any more than I did. I’ve been told my entire life that I’m too hard on myself regarding just about everything I’ve ever endeavored to do (sports, academia, etc.), and I can’t disagree. I’m too competitive and expect too much from myself. I recognize this. However, I can’t change it. It’s part of who I am and how I operate, and to be completely honest, it’s what separates me from most people, even if it ultimately lowers my quality-of-life quotient.

I would have loved to have cheered and clapped as the proctor said time!’ at the end of the last three-hour session like everyone else (1000+ people) seemed to do yesterday (seriously, it was like they won the lottery or something), but it just wasn’t in me and never has been. While failure has usually been a fairly remote possibility for me (if I actually try), the possibility of failure never ceases to cause me much internal strife and consternation until I win or pass or whatever. In this case, the possibility of failure is very real and I’m made to wait much longer to find out.

Anyway, I’m not going to belabor the point (some might say I already have); I could probably spend 500 more words on why the exam was difficult and why I don’t think I did so well, but it’s all pretty pointless and talking about it is just making me more depressed.

Keep busy. Must keep busy. Fortunately, I can do that really well.